Dark Side of the Moon
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: What if Hamato Leonardo had a dark side? What if he kept it hidden from his family and friends? What if, one day, the most innocent of them all found out exactly what secrets he was hiding all those years? (AU Fanfiction)
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

It was late, very late, and he was alone. He had made sure of it before he ever touched the secret compartment under his bed.

His heartbeat quickened as he reached under the bedframe and pressed a small, inconspicuous button. Silently, thanks to the oil he'd applied, a drawer slid open to reveal the contents inside.

Brushing past the glass bottles (both empty and filled), he soon found what he was looking for and pulled out the package. Inside lay several blades, shiny and new-looking. Once-shaky fingers never even trembled as he pressed the metal to the skin on his left wrist. He savored the twinge of pain, welcomed it.

He deserved it. He knew that too, as he watched a thin line of blood make its way down his forearm. Because behind every one of his successes was a failure, in some form or fashion. Behind Donnie's solo mission to rescue Me. O'Neil was a failure to recognize the trouble brewing between Donnie and Raph. Behind Mikey's capture by Chris Bradford was a failure to see the real threat in front of them all. And behind Raph's kidnapping and the infusion of the brain worm into his system was a failure to be a better leader - a better brother.

In a way, he supposed, this was a form of punishment for himself. He had lines on his skin from years ago, long since turned into scars. Scars that were always kept hidden under gauze wrappings and leather straps. If he could help it, his family would never find out about what he did to himself - the punishments and torture he inflicted upon his body and mind.

Finally, he cleaned the blade and replaced it in its wrapping, then back into the box it went. He bandaged the new cut on his wrist and hid it under his usual gauze wrapping. Then he climbed into bed after taking a swig from one of the still half-full bottles. It wasn't enough to make him drunk, just enough to give him a headache that would go away by morning.

Hamato Leonardo leaned back against his pillows, hating himself again. He hated himself for having a secret this big and dirty, for being a failure to his family and friends - to his team -, for not being the person they needed him to be. A sigh escaped his lips as his head started to pound.

It was going to be another long night.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

For weeks, it had been the same thing. Wake up early, train with Master Splinter and the guys, eat breakfast, more training, patrol in the evenings, wash, rinse, repeat. For weeks, his family had been safe.

Until Shredder decided to take matters into his own hands - literally - and fill his own veins with experimental mutagen. Then dubbed "Super Shredder" by Mikey, Oroku Saki had killed Splinter in front of them all. Leo had been right there, and he had failed to save his father's life.

Nobody blamed him for Splinter's death - nobody but Leo himself.

And so the leader found himself kneeling on his bedroom floor, blood welling up from his skin and running down his wrists. Again.

He didn't know exactly when he'd started cutting. It had been years ago, that much was obvious - both from the ever-shrinking supply of his own personal bandages and from the significant amount of scars that had built up on his wrists. The scars weren't all the same size, and they weren't all neat, white lines. Some of them were ugly, jagged things, from times when his failures had been greatest.

Such as the moment he watched his father die in the most brutal way the seventeen-year-old could imagine.

Tears stung at the back of Leo's eyes as the memory flooded his brain, but he pushed against both. He would not show weakness. He had to be strong, strong enough for his entire Clan.

It was very late, almost two in the morning now. So when the blue-banded leader heard the knock on his door, he jumped.

"L-Leo?"

 _Mikey._ Leo's cobalt eyes widened in alarm, both at the sound of his youngest brother's voice, and at the still-opened drawer that held his guilty secrets. _He can't find out._

As quickly as possible, Leo wrapped up his bleeding wrists and threw everything back into the drawer, not caring how untidy it was. He'd straighten it up later. Still, the _clank_ of the glass bottles made him wince as he shut and locked the compartment, then walked to the door.

Mikey stood on the other side, tears tracking down his face. "I had a nightmare," he whispered, clutching his well-worn, duct-taped teddy bear tight to his plastron.

Despite the stinging of his wrists, Leo's heart squeezed. He knew they all had nightmares about that night - even Raphael, though he never said anything about them. He pulled Mikey into his bedroom, letting him crawl into his bed. Mikey curled up next to his big brother, his lower lip still quivering.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Leo asked.

The orange-clad turtle shook his head. "Maybe tomorrow," he said hoarsely. Nodding in understanding, Leo pressed a kiss to his brother's forehead as the youngest drifted off.

"I've got you, Ototo," he whispered. "I promise."

* * *

 _So this was mainly introductory stuff, but we'll have something a little bigger coming up in Chapter 2._

 **Please review.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The next morning, Mikey awoke not knowing exactly where he was. His eyes flew open and he bolted upright. When he saw the soothing blue walls of Leo's room, he sighed, suddenly remembering.

Leo was already gone at that point - probably out in the dojo. After all, it was almost seven o'clock. He would've been training for two hours already.

Despite the tired aching of his body, Mikey sighed. His oldest brother was _always_ in the dojo these days. What free time he allowed himself was spent meditating - he barely hung out with them at all anymore.

So when Leo's bathroom door opened to reveal the leader toweling off his emerald green skin, Mikey's eyes widened. "Dude, I thought you were in the dojo already."

Leo smiled, a little painfully, as he tied on his mask.. "Actually, I figured... Maybe we could all take a day off? You know, just chill, do something fun."

At that, the youngest turtle almost fell off the bed. "Really? I didn't think...I mean, you never-"

The blue-banded leader bit his lip. "We don't have to. I just thought maybe-"

"No," Mikey decided, cutting him off. "Let's do it. We could take a run through the tunnels like we used to," he added hopefully.

Leo grinned. That had always been a special treat for him and his brothers. It was a bonding experience that Splinter had only allowed a few times a year. "We haven't done that in a long time, have we?" he asked, the spark in his eyes dying a little as he remembered why.

Mentally, Mikey was kicking himself. Leo was finally loosening up, and here he was bringing him down again. But before he could apologize, Leo made for the door.

"I'll go tell the others," the oldest said.

Mikey nodded and Leo disappeared down the hall. A small grin appeared on Mikey's own face and he got out of bed, deciding to use the bathroom before his brother came back. As he was washing his hands, Mikey's gaze caught on something in the trashcan. He bent down to take a better look.

"What the shell?" he murmured, picking up what looked like an old piece of gauze wrapping. Gauze that was soaked with dried blood. Mikey's eyes widened a little. "Leo must've gotten hurt somehow. This isn't exactly fresh, but it's not that old, either. Maybe on that patrol the other day-"

His train of thought was jarred when he heard Leo's footsteps down the hallway . Hurriedly, not wanting to be caught snooping, Mikey stuffed the gauze into his belt and left the bathroom, grabbing his teddy bear and making for the door just as Leo reappeared.

"We're all set," the oldest announced, smiling at him.

"Great!" Mikey replied, beaming. "I'm gonna go grab my board, just in case." Sidestepping his brother, Mikey took a glance at Leo's skin. There were no cuts or scrapes, as far as he could tell. When Leo raised an eye ridge, he realized he'd been staring. "Eh heh... Sorry. Got distracted."

The orange clad turtle disappeared into his room, waiting. As soon as Leo's door shut, Mikey bolted for the kitchen, heading straight for the freezer. He opened up the door, his expression serious. "Catson, it looks like we've got a mystery on our hands." Ice Cream Kitty meowed in agreement as Mikey pulled on his detective hat. "And Detective Mikey is on the case."

* * *

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	4. Chapter 3

**A/N:** _Woohoo! We get a long chapter this time! (It actually turned out quite a bit longer than I expected, but the turtles ran away with the story and left me to keep up as best I could.)_

 **Chapter 3**

Leo sighed as he and his brothers geared up for the tunnel run. Truthfully, he couldn't believe that he had agreed to it. But he hadn't lied when he spoke to Mikey. They did all need a break - something to take their minds off of nightmares and everything else that had been going wrong.

Raph and Donnie had been just as shell-shocked when he told them that they were going on a sewer run. It had been months since the last one. The surprise was not an unwelcome one, however, and the four turtles soon found themselves a few miles away from the Lair. Mikey kept the conversation going between his brothers, making sure it was light and never got too close to any sensitive topics.

About three hours out from the Lair, Leo drew to a stop, his brothers not far behind. The blue-banded turtle led them out into a huge, cavernous space. Raph's eyes widened, and Donnie and Mikey gasped at the sight.

A waterfall fell several stories from a pipe to land in a crystal clear pool about thirty yards wide. The whole area was lit by sunlight that shone through several huge grates in the ceiling. Leo's eyes sparkled as he removed his weapons and pads, then dove into the water. He popped up a few seconds later. "Come on in!" he called, grinning. "The water's fine!"

Mikey hesitated only a second before jumping in after his brother, and the other two weren't far behind. Soon they were all laughing and splashing one another, big smiles on their faces. Eventually Mikey piped up.

"How'd you find this place, Leo?"

Leo gazed up at the sky as he floated on his back. "It was a long time ago, when we first started going above ground. You guys remember the night Raph and I had that huge argument and I took off into the tunnels?" They nodded, and Raph looked away. "I ended up here. It was one of my favorite spots after that. The water comes from right near a purification plant, so it's always clean. And it's really peaceful."

"I can respect that," Mikey replied, watching him float around aimlessly. It was nice to see the eldest that relaxed - a rare sight indeed, these days.

Finally, when it was almost dark, Leo deemed it time to head back. They were almost home when he pulled up suddenly, his eyes narrowed and his muscles tensing. His brothers sensed the change and formed a loose ring without speaking.

And sure enough, several pairs of red eyes appeared out of the darkness not two minutes later. "Foot!" Donnie exclaimed, pulling his staff from it's sheath. Leo drew his katana, the wicked blades glinting in the half-light. The four brothers moved forward as one, years of ingrained training guiding them. For the first half of the battle, they seemed to be winning. Mikey cheered in victory as he took out another two robots. "We've got them on the ropes!"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than something went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Somehow, one of the Foot got in a lucky shot, launching a shuriken right past Leo's defense and deep into his right forearm. He swore in pain, dropping a sword, and the wave of Foot 'bots was on him in seconds. Though the leader fought as hard as he could, he couldn't defend himself against the thirty or more robots.

"Leo!" Raph cried, diving into the mass. By the time the others got there, Raph had mostly taken care of the soldiers, and the remaining few were running for their lives. Leo lay unconscious on the dirty tunnel floor, unresponsive to his siblings' calls.

"We need to get him back to the Lair," Donnie said grimly, checking him over. "Raph, can you carry him?"

The hothead nodded, picking his older brother up and beginning the short walk home. Leo woke halfway there, far too worn and hurt to protest. He let Donnie examine him and bind up the worst of his injuries without complaining, but as soon as the genius moved to unwrap the leather and gauze on his wrist to get a better look at the shuriken wound, Leo pulled away.

"That one's fine, Don."

Donnie frowned. "Leo, I saw where the shuriken landed. I need to make sure it didn't hit anything important."

"It's fine," the leader repeated tensely, covering up his wrist with his left hand. "I can take care of it."

"But-"

"I said I've got it." Without another word, much less a glance in his brother's direction, Leo slid off of the lab table and headed to his room, shutting the door behind him.

Donnie sighed, beginning to clean up the bandage scraps and other medical supplies he'd used. When he'd been told about the sewer run, he couldn't keep from hoping that maybe his oldest brother was finally opening up again after Splinter's death. But now...now it seemed as if he'd been wrong.

Mikey wandered into the lab, his hand on something in his belt and a question on his face. But when he saw the troubled expression Donnie wore, he stopped. "What happened? Where's Leo?"

"In his room," Donnie replied, putting everything back away.

"Is he all taped up and everything?"

Donnie shook his head. "He wouldn't let me look at the shuriken wound on his forearm. He said he could take care of it."

Mikey gaped at him. "But we all saw how deep it was, bro!"

"I know. I wanted to make sure it hadn't damaged anything important, but he wouldn't allow it."

"Well, you know how Leo is. He has to be strong and not rely on anyone else because he's the leader, or however he says it these days." Mikey sighed. "I thought a sewer run would be good for him, and at the beginning it did the trick. He was loosening up, Don."

"I know, Mikey."

"Then why is he so closed off again?" Mikey asked, his lower lip starting to quiver. "Why isn't he down here talking to us?"

"I think that the Foot attack might've brought back some bad memories for him," Donnie said quietly. "It might've reminded him of that time he was attacked and got taken down by Shredder, put into a coma. That alone would've done it for me."

"I guess you're right." The youngest turtle sighed again, and then the questioning look was back on his face. "By the way, I wanna ask you something."

"Okay, shoot."

Procuring the bandage from a pocket on his belt, Mikey handed it to his brother. "How old do you think this blood is?"

Donnie frowned thoughtfully, running his finger over it. He shrugged. "I'd say no more than a few days. Probably two."

 _That means it can't be from that patrol,_ Mikey mused, pocketing the gauze again. _That was about a week ago._ "Thanks, D."

"Why do you want to know?"

The orange-banded turtle shrugged innocently. "I'm just curious, is all." At the flat look Donnie gave him, he chuckled. "Honest."

Donnie sighed, waving him off. "Sure."

Mikey grinned and headed for the kitchen again, leaving Donnie to whatever project he was working on at the time. But when he sat at the table and pulled the bandage out of his belt once more, the grin melted off of his face.

 _What are you hiding, Leo?_


	5. Chapter 4

_So you guys are going to get something of a deeper look at what goes on in Leo's head. But be warned...it's not going to be pretty._

 **Chapter 4**

Leo's forearm stung like shell when he poured peroxide into the half-inch deep gash. But the pain was nothing compared to the pounding of his heart against his ribs.

They were so close. They were so very close to finding out, to seeing the scars. And Leo knew that it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to realize what they were from. Donnie wasn't stupid. Unwrapping that gauze would've been the end of everything.

What was Leo afraid of, exactly? Truthfully, he didn't even know anymore. There were sure to be repercussions once his family found it. _If,_ he reminded himself. _If they found out._

If his brothers ever learned what he was hiding, Leonardo would be kept under careful supervision at all times. He would never be trusted with anything sharp - his beloved katana would be taken from him, though he never dared entertain the thought of staining the blades with his own blood.

They might even take away his position as leader of the Hamato Clan. Though truthfully, Leo would've been fine with that. Maybe that way, he'd get a break. Maybe that way, the failures wouldn't bear down on his shoulders quite so heavily.

There were other things that would follow. Of that Leo was certain. He would be treated as something fragile, like glass that might break. His brothers would walk on eggshells around him, trying not to set him off or give him the reason he needed to end his life.

 _Suicide._

The word hung in the air, silent and thick and heavy, foul on the tip of Leo's tongue. The leader couldn't say that he had never considered it. He couldn't say that he had never held a blade to his wrist and wondered what it would be like to dig it so deep that he could watch his own life drain away in a river of crimson.

But there was always something that held him back.

Maybe it was the way he pictured his family's reactions. Raphael would drown in his own anger and grief - and probably alcohol, too. Donnie would work himself to death, trying to block it all out. Mikey would never smile again, if Leo killed himself. And then the Hamato Clan would have lost not one, but two members within the space of a couple months.

What's more, who would find Leo's body? Would it be Donatello, who would try and find a meaning or a cause when there was none? Would it be Raphael, who would rage publicly but break down completely once he was alone? Or would it be Mikey - sweet, innocent Mikey, who should never have to go through that kind of personal hell?

 _That's part of the problem,_ Leo reminded himself. He was feeling more and more like a leader, and less and less like a brother. It was true that he had been pushing the guys away, but they never really tried to push back, to pull him into their games or conversations. _You can't have both. You have to protect them, even if it means sacrificing your fun time with them._

Leo liked to believe that he still had enough good in him to never put his family through something like his committing suicide. He liked to believe that somewhere deep down, there was still a shred of honor and dignity that would never allow that kind of choice to be made.

Sighing, Leo wrapped fresh gauze around the new wound, knowing that it would soon be just another of the many scars on his flesh, indistinguishable from the others.

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	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

A few days after the tunnel run, Mikey and the others were completing a training session led by Leo. The youngest turtle had been watching his brother ever since the run, and he had seen nothing out of the ordinary - no more so than normal, anyway. Leo had been holed up in his room again, as usual.

That morning was a training session like many others. Leo was riding hard on them to push themselves past their limits...though Mikey got the feeling the leader was trying to push _himself_ as much as them.

For the last part of the session, Leo ordered that the four of them pair up to spar. Raph sighed and joined Donnie, and Mikey walked over to his oldest sibling. By this point, Mikey's arms were exhausted from the major workout he'd been put through, so his aim was more than a little off. Instead of wrapping around Leo's katana like he meant it to, Mikey's nunchuck flew a little too far to the right.

And collided sharply with the blue-banded turtle's left wrist. Leo dropped his katana and clutched his wrist, swearing in pain. His outburst, along with the choice word he used, was enough to make Raph and Donnie freeze. They both turned to look as Mikey rushed over.

"Dude, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine," Leo ground out. After a moment, he released a breath and stood, sheathing his swords. "Training is dismissed." He left the room, and the slamming of his door two seconds later echoed through the Lair.

Mikey looked crushed. "I didn't mean to hurt him," he whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

"It's okay," Donnie replied quietly, slipping an arm around the ninja's shoulders. "I'm sure he knows."

"His mood swings have been getting worse," Raph commented, crossing his arms. "I mean, when do we ever see him out of his room anymore?"

"Sensei's death has just been hard on him."

"It's been hard on all of us! You don't see me living in a fortress of solitude!" Raph's eyes snapped with fire. "When is he gonna get his head out of his shell and start acting like a leader?"

"He's not just a leader," Donnie replied, frowning. "He's also our brother. And we should give him time to mourn, if that's what he needs."

Mikey sighed internally, leaving the room while they continued arguing. He flopped onto the sofa and stared absentmindedly at the TV for a while, but then his attention strayed to Leo's room. Not for the first time, the youngest wondered what his eldest sibling did in there.

As if on cue, Leo's door opened and the leader stepped out, looking haggard. He shut and locked the door behind him, joining Mikey in the main room. "I'm going for a run. I'll be back in a couple hours," he said wearily, heading for the turnstiles. Mikey nodded assent, but there was only one question in his mind as Leo disappeared.

 _Since when does he lock his door?_

Frowning, Mikey made up his mind to find out exactly what Leo was hiding in there. He walked over, glancing around as he quickly picked the lock and slipped inside, shutting the door again afterwards.

Now, ordinarily Michelangelo wasn't a snoop, but he had a feeling that whatever Leo was doing in his bedroom was hurting him more than helping. And Splinter had always told his youngest son to follow his instincts. So here he was, his heart pounding as he stood in the center of the dark bedroom, his imagination cooking up images of all kinds of horrible things that could be lurking in the shadows. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, Mikey flicked on the light.

He was greeted by the same clean bedroom he'd seen the other day. Nothing was out of place. The bed was made immaculately, the desk with Leo's journal on it organized neat and tidy. Even Leo's books were organized on his shelf in alphabetical order. Checking the bathroom, he saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Except for the bandages in the trashcan that were stained with bright red blood.

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	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Frowning, Mikey picked up the bloody gauze, feeling the wetness of the material. That was definitely fresh, no doubt about it. But something screamed a warning in the back of his mind. When he finally managed to pin the thought down, his eyes narrowed. The gauze couldn't have been from Leo's shuriken wound. That should've scabbed over by now. And Mikey's nunchuck hit wouldn't have caused Leo to bleed.

So where was the blood coming from then?

The freckled ninja took another look around the bedroom, shaking his head when he saw nothing. It didn't make any sense.

He replaced the gauze into the trash can and was just about to give up and leave the room when he saw a tiny strip of white fabric hanging down from underneath Leo's bed. No, not fabric. Paper.

Paper that was stuck in something under the bed.

Mikey tugged on the strip until it came free. His brows furrowed. Leo's handwriting covered the paper, but it wasn't elegant like normal. This writing was scrawled hurriedly, and looked like it had been written in anger or distress. Most of the sheet was gone, but the youngest could just make out some of the words.

 _-_ _failed them again today. I should've been there to stop Donnie from getting hurt by Speed Demon. But I wasn't, because I was too focused on my own problems. If it weren't for Casey, Donnie wouldn't be here right now. None of us would._

The writing ended there, but on the other side of the page was a similar note.

 _-et my temper get the best of me again. And Mikey ended up paying for it. I didn't know what to think when he got kidnapped by the frogs. If anything had happened to him or the others, I never would've forgiven myself. I guess I already don't._

Mikey sat back, trying to digest this new information. He had already forgiven his oldest brother for what happened with the Punk Frogs. But Leo apparently hadn't forgiven himself.

Putting the paper down for now, the orange clad turtle returned his attention to the bed. Up until now, he had thought that Leo's bed didn't have storage. But then where did the note come from?

Taking out his T-Phone, Mikey turned on the flashlight and shone it underneath the bed. At a quick glance, nobody would notice anything. But Mikey was ninja, trained to notice even the tiniest differences. And right now, his gaze was fixed on a tiny crack between the bedframe and the floor.

He put his phone between his teeth and stuck his fingernails into the line, tugging. Nothing happened. Frowning again, Mikey ran his hands over the wooden surface, his face lighting up when he found a slight indentation and pressed down.

But as the drawer slid open, Mikey inhaled sharply, his baby blue eyes widening. "What the shell?"

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	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 _Taking out his T-Phone, Mikey turned on the flashlight and shone it underneath the bed. At a quick glance, nobody would notice anything. But Mikey was ninja, trained to notice even the tiniest differences. And right now, his gaze was fixed on a tiny crack between the bedframe and the floor._

 _He put his phone between his teeth and stuck his fingernails into the line, tugging. Nothing happened. Frowning again, Mikey ran his hands over the wooden surface, his face lighting up when he found a slight indentation and pressed down._

 _But as the drawer slid open, Mikey inhaled sharply, his baby blue eyes widening. "What the shell?"_

In all his eighteen years, Hamato Michelangelo had seen many things. He had fought enemies whose origins were so bizarre that they seemed like they had come from comic books. He had traveled through time to the first battle between his sensei and the Shredder. He had beaten an evil time lord, _two_ alien races intent on conquering and/or destroying the Earth, a demodragon lord from the underworld, and he had even kicked the butts of creatures such as vampires, ghosts, and zombies. But this...this made his heart stop. This sent icy tendrils of fear shooting through his veins.

Because as Hamato Michelangelo stared at the contents of the hidden drawer, he now knew with grim certainty what his oldest brother had been doing during all those months spent locked away in his bedroom.

Though everyone treated him as the innocent, often stupid turtle of the bunch, Mikey was by no means a fool. Nor was he as naïve as they believed him to be. He knew what those blades were used for. And as for the alcohol...the empty bottles told him enough. He wouldn't say that Leo had a drinking problem - based on the still full containers, he was nowhere _near_ as bad as Raphael - but the sight of the liquor spoke volumes as to the state of the leader's health.

The only question Mikey still needed an answer to was why _._

For a long time, the youngest turtle gazed at the previously concealed items within the drawer as if trying to determine the answer directly from them. And then he remembered. _Leo's journal._

If nothing else, it could give him a clue, something that might be enough to help unravel the tangled mess that was his brother's heart. Mikey shut the drawer, leaving everything exactly as it was except for the strip of paper, which he slipped into his belt.

That done, he turned to the desk where the leather-bound journal sat. He reached for the book, wondering exactly what kind of thoughts awaited him as he slowly flipped the cover open, scanning the first page and trying to ignore the feeling of wrongness.

 _You shouldn't be doing this,_ a voice said. _It's Leo's private property. It doesn't belong to you. He would share if he wanted to._

But Mikey pushed the thoughts down. "Leo needs me," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. When he opened them again, the baby-blue orbs were clear of doubt. He took a deep breath and started reading.

The first few entries weren't bad; they were mostly about patrols and stuff. But the farther along Mikey got, the worse they became. The handwriting got progressively sloppy, like Leo had written in great haste or anguish, and the thoughts became darker.

 _I don't know why Sensei ever made me leader - why I ever volunteered. All I ever manage to do is fail. I can't protect my brothers. I can't protect anyone. I couldn't even protect myself from the Shredder._

Another entry after that read,

 _Raph got hurt today, bitten by Fishface. I should've been watching his back. He almost died, and I wasn't there to help him! To make matters worse, the Kraang got away with the power cell again, just because I wasn't aware of Timothy tagging along the first time._

"Timothy?" the orange-banded turtle wondered. Then he remembered. The Pulverizer. "But that wasn't Leo's fault..." Frowning worriedly, Mikey kept flipping, scanning more pages. He realized that all of the entries had something in common: the way that Leo blamed himself for numerous failures, even if they weren't his own.

 _Kirby was mutated because I couldn't..._

 _April almost killed Donnie because I didn't realize..._

 _Karai was mind-controlled by Shredder because I was too weak..._

One of the last entries, dated four months ago, made Mikey's eyes widen. The page had been written on, then scribbled out with ink so black it was almost impossible to make out any words. But Mikey didn't need to read anything. He knew what the day was on which it had been written.

The day Splinter died.

And there, on the very bottom of the paper, so faint it was hard to see, was one single line.

 _I failed him._

Finally, _finally,_ Mikey understood.

Without warning, Leo's bedroom door opened, making the freckled ninja jump in fright. He turned to see Leo in the doorway, cobalt eyes wide. Every ounce of blood drained from Leo's face when he saw the open journal in his brother's grasp.

"Get out."

"Leo, I-"

"Get out!"

At the shout, Mikey threw the book onto the desk and bolted from the room. When he was back in the kitchen, his blood pounding in his ears and the slam of Leo's door still echoing through the Lair, he realized something. Leo wasn't angry.

He was absolutely terrified.

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	9. Chapter 8

_Big plot twist coming up, guys..._

 **Chapter 8**

Eventually, Mikey got up from his slumped position at the kitchen table, his face set. Leo might not have wanted help, but that didn't mean he didn't need it. And Mikey was never one to give up, once he had his mind set on something.

He knocked on Leo's door and got no answer. A frown appeared on the youngest turtle's face. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Leo. You can either open the door or I can stand here until the others get curious. And I'm sure the last thing you want is for them to be poking around and asking questions."

Mikey hated to be a hard case, but he knew that Leo wouldn't open up on his own. And the tactic seemed to work, for Mikey heard a sigh and then the _click_ of the lock turning. The door opened a second later and Leo reached out to pull Mikey inside.

"How much did you see?" the leader asked finally, not meeting his brother's eyes.

"I saw enough," the orange clad turtle replied quietly. "Leo, you need to talk to someone about this."

"Because that would go over so we'll, right?" Leo snapped. "Hey, guys, I know that I've been hurting myself for who knows how long, but don't worry about my health or anything. I'm still a good leader and I can still take care of everything with no problem."

Mikey shook his head. "Dude, you're still worried about us, aren't you? Look, we can take care of ourselves. Everyone needs to be cared about once in a while. Even you." When Leo didn't reply, he put a hand on the leader's tense shoulder. "I'm not saying that you have to tell them everything. But please. Find _someone_ to talk to. Because what happens if you cut too deep one day and no one knows because you haven't said anything? What happens if you bleed out and we only know because we find your body hours later?"

Leo gave him a half smile. "You sound like you know what you're talking about."

Though he meant it in a teasing way, he realized that Mikey wasn't smiling. In fact, his little brother looked completely serious for once.

"You guys always treat me like I'm so young and innocent. But I'm not nearly as innocent as you think I am."

Slowly, Mikey reached for his wrist and tugged at the leather band, unwrapping it. On Mikey's skin was a series of thin, pale white lines.

It took Leo a moment to realize. When he did, he gasped.

 _Oh, Mikey..._

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	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 _"You guys always treat me like I'm so young and innocent. But I'm not nearly as innocent as you think I am."_

 _Slowly, Mikey reached for his wrist and tugged at the leather band, unwrapping it. On Mikey's skin was a series of thin, pale white lines._

Leo's blood pounded in his ears and bile rose in his throat as he stared at the scars on his youngest brother's wrist. Mikey - happy go lucky, ray of sunshine Mikey - had hurt himself. Purposely. "Mikey..." was all the leader could manage to say. The room was spinning too fast for him to think of anything else.

"I told you," the orange-banded turtle replied, wrapping the leather around his forearm again. "I'm not as innocent as you guys think."

"But...why would you do that to yourself?" Leo gasped.

"Why does anyone do it to themselves? I was hurting, Leo. I was hurting, and I was tired of everything: fighting a war that we never truly won, being called freaks by the humans, always having to stay in the shadows. Pick a reason. You won't be wrong." Mikey sighed, his shoulders slumping. "But besides all that...I was alone."

"You had us. You had April and Casey and-"

"And none of you bothered to look past the smile that was on my face, did you?" Mikey accused. "None of you tried to see the hurt in my eyes, or the tears I hid behind laughter and jokes. Pain isn't always measured by tears, Leo."

And despite his best efforts, Leo couldn't deny it. He couldn't deny that none of them - especially him - had tried. None of them thought that there was anything wrong with Mikey because he hid it so well. And they wouldn't have believed it even if Mikey wanted them to. He was just too nice of a person. Always laughing, always smiling, always ready with a hug or a joke if you needed it.

"I'm so sorry," Leo whispered, avoiding his brother's gaze. "I should've...I can't believe I never-"

"I didn't tell you so I could have your pity or so you would blame yourself. You've done enough of that already. I told you so you would realize that I _do_ know what it's like to feel helpless, or to feel like you're drowning in darkness. You're not alone, Leo. Not like I was. Because unlike me, people could tell when you were upset or angry or something. You pushed _them_ away. Not the other way around."

It was then that Leo realized something. He raised his head, hating himself for the pain and seriousness on Mikey's face. "You...you stopped, didn't you?"

Mikey nodded, fingering the leather strapping. "I stopped two years ago. I haven't done it since."

"How?"

"I talked to someone about it," was the simple answer.

The leader's brow furrowed. "Who was it? It wasn't April, was it?" Mikey shook his head. "Not Casey."

"Shell no."

"And it wasn't one of the guys, because they would've told me if you'd talked to them. So then who...?" The answer suddenly dawned on him. All those times Mikey had gone anywhere without them, there was only one person he'd seen. "Leatherhead?"

The orange-banded turtle nodded. "He was the only one I told about it. When I would go visit without you guys, I'd show him the scars. He helped me through it, and I started getting better. I cut cold turkey one day when I gave him my blade kit...and I haven't looked back since."

"Can I...can I see them again?"

"On one condition."

"What's that?" Leo asked apprehensively.

"You let me see yours."

Leo's heart skipped a beat. He was too ashamed of the scars on his wrists - of what he'd done to himself. But he wanted to see Mikey's scars again. He needed to. They were a symbol of the strength his little brother had.

So the leader slipped the gauze and leather off of his forearms, wincing a little at the sight of the newest cuts. The wounds were still angry and red-looking, but Mikey didn't even flinch. He gently took hold of Leo's arm and traced some of the older scars.

"What was this one for?" Mikey asked, pointing to a rough, deep scar.

Leo bit his lip, trying to think. "That one was for the time that Donnie got hit when I was helping Karai out with the Foot Clan thing. He almost died because I didn't tell you guys the truth, remember?"

Instead of agreeing, Mikey did something that Leo would've never expected. He pressed a gentle kiss to the line, then ran his thumb over it. "There."

"What did you-"

"The blame and hurt are gone. The wound is healed." He pointed to another scar. "What about this one?"

"The time that Shredder threw Splinter into the sewers."

Mikey nodded and kissed it, rubbing his thumb on it. "It's healed too."

They went back and forth like that for some time. Mikey asked what each scar was for and then kissed it, until every scar had been named and "healed," as he put it. And when he was done, he sat back and took the wrapping off of his own wrists, pointing a particular scar out to his oldest brother.

Leo inhaled at the sight of it. It ran lengthwise down Mikey's arm, stopping halfway down. The tissue had healed, but the line was thick and rough. Now, Leo was no idiot. He knew what a cut like that was for. "You tried to kill yourself," the leader whispered.

"It was a bad day," Mikey replied, sighing a little. "I was over at Leatherhead's for a visit, and I had been feeling pretty low. Raph had been bullying me, calling me names. Donnie ignored me all the time, and it felt like you didn't even care. I decided that I'd had enough. I had my kit on me-"

"I thought you gave it to him."

"This was before he knew I cut. Anyway, I had my kit on me and I was fed up with everything, so I just pulled out a blade and cut straight down my arm. I passed out from blood loss, and the next thing I knew LH had me propped up in a nest of blankets and stuff while he stitched me up and gave me some of his own blood."

"He never told us that you'd tried to-"

"That's because he called and told you guys I wanted to stay the night, remember? After he hung up, he sat down and talked with me about everything...and it helped. It really did. That's when I decided that I was going to talk to him if I needed help. Every week, he set up a time and a place to meet with me and discuss the progress I made. Finally, I made the choice to give him my kit. I've been clean ever since."

Leo sat back against the bed, trying to process everything. Mikey was silent as he waited patiently for his sibling to work through it. Eventually he spoke again. "Do you think...could he help me?" Before Mikey could reply, the leader's carefully built walls cracked...and then shattered altogether. Tears slipped down his cheeks. "I'm just so tired of it...It hurts, Mikey. Everything hurts."

"I know, dude." Mikey pulled him into a hug. "But it'll get better. I'll help you. Leatherhead will help you, I'm sure of it. You're not alone. Not like I was."

And as Leo cried into his brother's plastron, Mikey's strong arms wrapped around him. The eldest realized that maybe - just maybe - there was a chance. A chance to save himself.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

That night, Leo fell asleep with his head pillowed on Mikey's plastron and the bedside lamp glowing. There was one time that the others poked their heads in to see what was going on, but it was easy enough to keep them from getting suspicious.

"He had a nightmare," the orange-banded turtle said. The small lie was all it took to make Raph and Donnie nod and leave the room.

Mikey sighed as the door shut again and gazed down at his oldest brother, taking in the peaceful expression on Leo's face. For once, the leader seemed to be completely at ease, no bad dreams or "failed" missions plaguing him.

Smiling a little, the freckled ninja turned out the lamp and closed his eyes. He fell asleep in seconds.

The next morning, Mikey awoke to an empty bed. He panicked for a moment until he heard the sound of Leo's shower turning off. Mentally kicking himself, he tried to steady his breathing before Leo came out of the bathroom.

When the leader finally emerged, Mikey's eyes widened in surprise. Leo hadn't covered his wrists. The blue clad turtle noticed him staring and shrugged. "You already know about them," he said. "It doesn't matter if I hide them from you or not at this point."

"Are you gonna show the guys then?"

The question slipped out before the youngest turtle could stop it - and the result was immediate. The guarded look that Mikey had become accustomed to slammed down over Leo's face again, the light in his eyes disappearing. Without another word, the leader slipped the leather bands over his scars and headed for the door.

"Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Forget it."

"Please," Mikey whispered. "Don't shut me out again."

At that Leo paused, one hand hovering over the doorknob. Then he sighed and turned around, his shoulders drooping. "Sorry, Mike. I just...I'm not used to anyone knowing. I don't think...I'm not ready for everyone to see yet. Okay?"

The orange-banded turtle nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He had almost blown it. And he had a feeling that Leo wouldn't be willing to open up a second time. "Okay," he said finally.

Leo relaxed a little at the answer, coming to put an arm around Mikey's shoulders. "I'll show them some day, little brother. Just not yet. Now, let's go get breakfast before Raph eats it all." He stood and made for the kitchen, leaving Mikey to follow as best he could.

After a moment, the youngest did, determination in his baby blue eyes. Mikey hadn't been lying last night. He knew what it was like to be alone and hurting. And he wasn't going to let Leo suffer like he had. He was going to help his brother.

Whether Leo liked it or not.

 **Please review.**


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 _Breakfast is going well,_ Mikey observed happily. It warmed the youngest turtle's heart to know that maybe, just maybe, he had made a small difference in the leader's current situation. Leo hadn't been as shut off as normal towards his siblings.

In fact, he had almost been downright jovial, smiling far more often than usual, and even cracking a joke or two of his own - even if the jokes weren't the greatest in history. Raph and Donnie noted all this, exchanging glances with each other. Donnie didn't press the matter. He was just relieved that his oldest brother was talking at all. But Raph wasn't content to let the matter drop.

"So, Leo. What was your nightmare about last night?" the red-banded turtle asked casually.

Leo froze, his eyes darting over to his brother. "What?"

"The nightmare. It must've been pretty bad if you let Mikey comfort you."

 _Oh. That's what Mikey must've told them in order to keep them off the scent._ Leo's frantically beating heart slowed just a little. "Don't worry about it, Raph. It was just a stupid nightmare." In response to his statement, the leader received an incredulous look.

Mikey piped up, wanting to get Leo out of the spotlight. It couldn't have been easy for him - and the eldest never _was_ the best at lying. "Hey, Leo? I was wondering if I could go see Leatherhead tomorrow."

Donnie turned his attention to his immediate younger brother. "What? Why?"

"Well, it's been a while, and you know the guy gets lonely."

Leo cocked his head the tiniest bit, catching Mikey's gaze. He knew then that Mikey was going to talk to the crocodile about him. Gratefulness surged in his heart and he nodded inconspicuously.

The freckled ninja smiled a little in reply, glancing at Donnie. "So can I?"

"I guess you can," Leo said, keeping his voice steady. "Just be sure to get home in time for dinner. I wanted to go on patrol afterwards."

At Leo's words, time seemed to freeze, and the silence was deafening. Raph and Donnie gaped at him. Even Mikey was shocked.

"Dude, are you serious?"

The blue-banded terrapin frowned a little. "We haven't been out in months, and the crime rate has risen dramatically, according to the news reports. Who knows what the PDs and Foot have been up to?"

"Leo, are you sure you're up for it?" Donnie asked carefully. "I mean, you were hit pretty hard by-"

"I'm fine," the oldest replied sharply. "I can still fulfill my duties as leader. His...just because he's gone doesn't mean I'm not capable."

"Yeah right," Raph shot back, tired of avoiding the subject. "You're fine. Staying holed up in your room all the time, avoiding us, not eating or drinking or talking. That's _totally_ fine."

"Raph!" Mikey cried.

The red-masked turtle ignored him. "And when was the last time you even said his name, huh? When was the last time you said something about him? When was the last time you said the word _death_?"

"Raphael." Donnie's expression was nothing short of terrifying as he glared at his brother.

But the damage was done; Leo's face was once again a mask of that cold, hard nothingness. "Forget it," the leader said, his voice devoid of emotions. He stood up, heading for his room. The door slammed shut a second later.

Mikey's heart pounded in his chest. He had a bad feeling that he knew exactly what Leo was going to do now. And that scared him enough that he turned angry. His eyes were narrowed and a growl was building in his throat as he turned to face his older brother. "What the shell was that?!" he yelled.

Raph looked shocked at the outburst. "What?"

"Why would you say that to him? You _know_ how he feels, Raph! You _know_ he blames himself for Dad's death! I can't believe you would hurt him like that!"

"I wasn't trying to-"

"Like shell you weren't," Mikey snapped, pushing his chair back and following the blue-banded leader. He knocked on the bedroom door, hating the barrier in between himself and his oldest sibling. "Leo?" he asked softly.

At first, there was no reply. And then: "What do you want, Mikey?"

Leo's voice was quiet, full of hurt. Mikey's heart skipped a beat. "I just wanted to check on you, make sure you were okay."

The door swung open suddenly, making the freckled turtle jump. "Do I _look_ like I'm okay?" Leo snapped. But there was no anger in his eyes. Only hurt. Anguish. Pain.

Blame.

Without hesitation, Mikey lunged forward, wrapping his arms around him and holding on tight. At first Leo stiffened a little at the contact, but then he relaxed into the embrace. "Mikey, I-I-"

"It's okay, dude. It's gonna be okay." Leo pulled back, shame and grief lining his face, and showed Mikey his wrists. Mikey stared at the two new cuts, desperation rising in his heart. This had to stop. "Leo..."

"I couldn't help myself," the leader whispered. "What Raph said...it was true, Mikey. It was all true. I haven't been acting like a leader. I haven't even been acting like a brother. I'm...I'm worthless."

"No, you're not!" the youngest turtle denied fiercely, gripping his arm. "You're _not_ worthless! You're important to us, Leo, and don't you dare think otherwise!"

"But-"

"No. I won't let you talk bad about yourself like that."

"Mikey-"

"No."

Leo sighed, his gaze falling once again to his wrists. "I'm not fit to be a leader. I'm too broken, Mikey. I couldn't even save..." The rest of the thought went unsaid, but Mikey knew what he was thinking.

"That wasn't your fault, Leo. You need to stop blaming yourself for it."

"I was right there!"

"So were the rest of us! Shell, Raph was right next to him on the roof, and he couldn't do anything. Even _April_ couldn't have stopped Shredder from killing Dad. You need to get over this and let it go. None of it was your fault." Leo's expression turned pained, and Mikey realized how tightly he was holding onto his brother's arm. He released his grip and stepped back, making a decision. "I want you to come with me to Leatherhead's tomorrow."

"You really think he'll help me?"

"Of course I do. He's a good guy."

Leo hesitated. "And...and why are _you_ helping me?"

Mikey's expression turned gentle. "Because I hate seeing you this way," he said softly. "All closed off and everything. This guy, the one that harms himself, the one that isolates himself behind a cold, blank mask? That's not who you are. That's not the Leo I know. The Leo I know got buried somewhere under the hurt and heartbreak. But I'm going to help you find him again. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but someday you'll be you again. That's a promise."

When Leo finally looked up, there was something in his eyes that made Mikey's heart stop for a moment. It was only when the youngest turtle was laying in bed that night that he realized what it was.

There had been a spark in those cobalt orbs, a bit of the old Leo shining through the despair and darkness.

Which meant Mikey was that much closer to fulfilling his promise.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Mikey, I'm not really sure if this is-"

"Dude, what did I tell you? It'll be fine."

Despite his brother's words, Leo's mouth ran dry as they stood at the door that separated them from the reptile they sought. "You know what? This is a bad idea. I'm just gonna go back to the Lair and-"

Fast as a viper, Mikey reached out and snagged Leo's arm before the leader could bolt. "Nu-uh. You're not going anywhere. Not until we talk to Leatherhead."

"But-"

The door opened as if on cue. Leatherhead looked surprised, if not pleasantly so, at the sight of his friends. "Michelangelo, Leonardo. I did not expect to see you."

Mikey flashed a winning smile. "Well, you know. The best surprises are ones that people don't know about ahead of time."

The giant crocodile shook his head, laughing. "Please, come in, come in." Once they were all seated around what passed as a kitchen table, Leatherhead raised a brow. "What brings you here, my friends?"

Leo swallowed, licking his lips and glancing at his baby brother. Thankfully, the youngest understood and spoke for him. "Leo has a bit of a problem, LH. I was wondering if you could help him like you helped me?"

An understanding look appeared on Leatherhead's face as an unspoken conversation passed between them. Eventually the crocodile nodded. "Yes. I would be glad to assist you." He turned to the leader in blue, his eyes gentle. "May I see?"

Leo swallowed again, unsure whether or not to unwrap his wrists. For the first time since becoming leader of the Hamato Clan, he had no clue how to proceed. He was totally out of his element.

But then his youngest brother touched his arm and nodded reassuringly, offering a smile. So he slowly pulled the leather and gauze off his wrists, wincing a bit at the pull of the newly healing cuts.

To his credit, Leatherhead didn't gasp or berate him for hurting himself. He didn't even give him a pitying smile - something that Leo was very much afraid of receiving. He didn't want anyone's pity.

The enormous mutant merely sat there for the next two hours, talking everything over with the two turtles, and listening to Leo release the burdens from his narrow shoulders. And when the eldest finally broke down, weeping, Leatherhead was there with a box of tissues and words of comfort. The only thing he asked for in return was a promise that Leo would return each week so that they could talk.

Later, right before the two turtles returned to the Lair, Leo pulled Mikey aside. "Thank you," he said quietly.

Mikey blinked. Of all the things his sibling could have said, this was the most unexpected. "Um...you're welcome? But...ah...for what, exactly?"

"For taking me to see Leatherhead. I think talking to him about everything will help me. And maybe..." He took a deep breath. "Maybe it'll give me a chance to get back to normal. Or at least get as close as I can."

 _Leo wants to get better._

This was truly more than Mikey had dared to even _think_ about. But now...

A surge of hope rose in Mikey's heart, only showing because of the tears welling up in his baby-blue eyes. He lunged forward and hugged Leo tight, burying his face in the leader's scarred plastron.

Leo stiffened. Then, hesitantly, his arms wrapped around his baby brother. For the second time that day, the blue-clad ninja broke down into tears. But these were happy tears. Because now, Leo had reason to hope. A ray of light had broken through the darkness that held him captive.

Thanks to Mikey, he had a reason to keep fighting. A reason to keep going.

A reason to live.

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	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Donnie's eyes had widened to the size of saucers and he had to slap a hand over his mouth to keep from gasping.

He knew that Leo had gotten extremely closed-off since their father's passing, but Leo harming himself purposely...it was entirely unexpected. And it hit Donnie hard. Because like everyone else, for the longest time, he had viewed his oldest brother as a strong and unyielding force. A force that would bend to nothing and no one. A force mighty enough to carry them through anything.

And if Splinter's passing was enough to bring _Leo_ to his knees...

In a way, it made sense. The ninja master and his eldest son were always so close, and it seemed as if each day brought them closer together. Splinter was the sun to Leo's moon, his light in the darkness of the world, the wisdom that guided him through life. So for that light to be extinguished...it was a miracle that the blue-clad leader's spirit hadn't been broken entirely.

As Mikey's and Leo's voices drew closer, Donnie ducked back into the shadows and watched his brothers pass by.

He hadn't _meant_ to eavesdrop. It just sort of _happened._ And then Donnie heard a secret he wasn't meant to hear. A secret that, if anyone found out, would rip their world apart in seconds. Again.

But the secret was weighing heavily on the genius' shoulders now. He had to tell _someone_. It couldn't be Mikey, since that would mean revealing that he had eavesdropped. And it certainly couldn't be Leo.

That left only one brother.

And Donnie was sure that when Raph found out, all Hades would break loose.


	15. Author's Note: Thank You

**Author's Note**

We've reached the part now where I wrap up the book with my various thank-you's and such. And so...

Ladies, gentle-turtles, my wonderful readers...Thank you so very much. For everything. It wouldn't have been possible for me to finish this without you prompting me to get off my lazy butt and write, write, write.

Thank you for pushing me to keep going and update, even when I really didn't feel like it. Thank you to the people whose comments had me laughing and smiling, and sometimes gave me ideas for the next chapter.

I'm planning on writing a second book - so don't worry. I know I left you guys on a cliffhanger. (That was the point...and I do love my cliffhangers. Mwahahaha!)

Once again, I couldn't have done it without all you readers, voters, commenters...you guys are awesome.

This isn't goodbye, and it's certainly not the end. So until next time...

Cowabunga.


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